Deep Frying a Turkey

I asked my very good friend, Terry, for instructions on deep frying a turkey. Below is the response I received. Even though Thanksgiving has passed I thought I would share this, as it’s great for a laugh. 

You asked for the instructions to deep fry the turkey. Here ya go…

Needed

5 gallons of peanut oil

A turkey (No shit Sherlock!)

A turkey frying pot and related equipment

Burn ointment

Cajun injecting sauce

Cajun seasoning rub

A nice bottle of single malt scotch or other GOOD scotch

A Padron cigar (substitutes allowed)

A short glass

Ice – preferable crushed

A match or two

I hope you filled the propane tank by now!!!

Process

Pour scotch into a short glass with crushed ice.

Let it sit.

Dry off turkey.

Sample scotch, if okay, refill glass. If not, finish it and try again.

Stand turkey upright.

Inject turkey with Cajun Butter/Garlic marinade (no fat)

Check scotch. Still cold? Good. Down it.

Coat turkey with a lot of Cajun seasoning.

Take it outside where you will cook. Unless you are deep frying it inside in which case you are a moron.

Light burner.

Light cigar. SHIT you forgot the scotch.

Go back in and refill glass.

Sip scotch and smoke cigar while oil is heating to 375.

When oil is ready, finish off the scotch and SLOWLY lower turkey into oil.

You probably need the burn ointment now. Apply this liberally or drink the scotch faster.

Cook the turkey for about 3.5 minutes per pound.

Continue with cigar and scotch until turkey is done.

Put the scotch and cigar down.

Turn off burner.

Slowly raise turkey from oil.

Let it drain over the oil.

Make sure cigar didn’t go out.

Finish the cigar, drink the scotch and take the turkey in.

While turkey is cooling apologize to Robyn for getting shitfaced while cooking.

Bada bing bada boom. That’s all there is to it.

Enjoy. Happy Thanksgiving!

Poppy Day

For many people Veteran’s Day is just another day.  For some it’s simply an inconvenience that banks are closed and mail service is interrupted. For me and many of my friends and colleagues around the world it is something extraordinary.  It is a day we quietly remember our comrades, and even in some cases our enemies, who gave up something incredibly special to them, their friends, family and country…their life.

As a child in England I always remembered it as “Poppy Day.” Wives and relatives of deceased veterans would stand on street corners holding a can with a slot in it. You would place some loose change in the slot and they in turn would pin an imitation poppy on your lapel. You never saw a gentleman, a lady, or a worker of any profession not wearing a poppy on Veterans Day.

I remember as a small boy asking my father what Poppy Day meant and he explained to me the story of the poppy fields of Flanders.  At the time I really didn’t comprehend what it meant; it wasn’t until several years later that I really understood.  My dad and I were driving across France and he turned to me and said, “Son, we’re going to be taking a slight deviation. There’s something I need you to see.”  To this day I could not tell you what battle sight we came upon, but I knew it was significant to my father. We had arrived after travelling down a long country lane and even as a small lad I was taken aback by the sight.  As far as my eyes could see there were white crosses - east, north, south and west. I watched my father approach a grave, then brush away a tear. It was then I suddenly understood Poppy Day.

I wish everyone a meaningful Veteran’s Day.  Keep our military in your prayers and pray for our veterans, especially those who did not return to their friends and family…God Bless.

Where’s the Discrimination?

I’ve watched with much interest as the Republican Party candidates vie for a position in next year’s presidential election. The one thing I can’t help but notice is the incredible diversity within this group.  Considering Republicans, and certainly Tea Party members, have been labeled “racist” by some media sources, it seems odd to me that so many facets of the population are represented among these nine candidates.   I thought perhaps the intolerance label was attributable to the baseline theory that individuals should be responsible for themselves and not look to the government to resolve their problems; as if somehow this was a brand new idea.  In fact, this concept was heartily embraced by John F. Kennedy, one of our most beloved democratic presidents who said, “Ask not what your country can do for you, but what you can do for your country.”  How is this any different from what the republican candidates are saying today?

I find this whole concept of discrimination very curious as I sit and watch the debates.  The panel before me is made up of one woman, two Mormons, two men over the age of 65 (one over 75!), a black man; and yes, I said “black” – he’s a fellow American who happens to have darker skin than mine – that’s all.  Hell, I was born in England, of Scottish decent, and no one refers to me as a British-American.   Lest I digress however, we also have among this group, three middle—aged white guys from very different backgrounds, each with very different ideas.  Isn’t that what democracy is all about?  And those are just the presidential candidates.  If I look at the up and coming stars of the Republican Party, they include Senator Marco Rubio, a Latino whose parents escaped from Cuba’s dictatorship, Bobby Jindal, of East Indian heritage, who’s done an incredible job of rebuilding Louisiana.  Then there’s Chris Christy, the gruff, slightly overweight bull dog from New Jersey who has rocked the house in Trenton and put that State back on its feet after hovering on the brink of bankruptcy. 

And for those on the “tax the rich” bandwagon, I won’t go into my thoughts on that ridiculous banter, however, I will point out that the majority of these candidates came from very modest beginnings before their tenacity and hard work paid off.  I can also tell you that among them they’ve given tens of millions of dollars to the underprivileged.  In fact, as a percentage republicans far outweigh democrats in charitable donations, even though democrats reportedly have greater incomes.

So who exactly are the racist Republicans/Tea Party discriminating against?  Well it’s certainly not women, minorities, religion, race, the poor, the obese or the elderly.  So if someone can answer this question for me, I’m all ears…

Looking Back at 9/11

We all know exactly where we were on this fateful day ten years ago.  I had flown from London to San Francisco just one day prior and was staying at my favorite hotel in beautiful northern California.  It was just after 6:30 in the morning when the phone rang in my hotel room.  It was my wife, Robyn and her uncharacteristically anxious voice came over the line, “turn on the TV.” What unfolded on the screen in the hours that followed was simply unfathomable. And yet out of all the horror and destruction that ensued came a sense of pride and heroism never before witnessed by a new generation.  Never have I been so proud to be an American – a decision I made at the age of 27 when I took a vow to love and honor this country.  As I continued to watch the incredible heroism of fire fighters, policemen and everyday people who put everything on the line for their fellow citizens, I wondered at how they were so selfless under such circumstances.  It’s hard to imagine.

For the three days following the attack, having no air traffic available, my colleague and I drove across this great country meeting kind and generous people at every turn - people who would do anything and everything they could to help us reach our loved ones on the east coast.  It was a journey I will always remember and one which fills me with incredible pride as I reflect on the goodness of people and the vast beauty of our countryside.

As a toddler in London during WWII, and in my service to both America and Great Britain, I have experienced many conflicts and I have worked and lived in many parts of the world; always with a curiosity about what causes such hatred and strife to exist.  And now more than ever I ask myself how this current state of affairs all began.  Where did these terrorist factions come from and what motivates a person or group to commit such crimes against humanity?  I am aware of some of the answers to these questions as a result of my experiences in Southeast Asia, Africa, the Mid-East and Europe, where I spent much of my time as a young man.  I have firsthand knowledge of world events and in some cases, the foundation on which this hatred is born. I have set forth some of these ideas in my latest book, The Final Doctrine. 

You see, I have found over the years that in order to understand where we’re heading, we must first understand where we’ve just been. Particularly in America, people must realize that not everyone thinks as we do. As much as our fellow citizens wish to be fair minded and reasonable when it comes to the acceptance of other cultures and ideas – other countries are not as accepting of our western way of life.  One must remember that the idea of America itself is the single most powerful concept human kind has ever produced.  As Americans we need not apologize for our prosperity, nor should we ever consider being brought down a notch to appease others.  In addition, for those who feel the word “terrorist” and in particular “Islamist terrorist” isn’t appropriate terminology for this day and age – simply turn on your television today and listen as the names of 3,000 of our fallen heroes are read, in many cases by the children who will never have the opportunity to know them.

Take a long moment today to cherish your loved ones and reflect on how fortunate you are to be an American. We live in the greatest place on earth, a country where freedom and liberty prevail - without restriction or dictatorship; a country where those who are unable to comprehend the power of our constitution and the resolve of the American people, are free to pursue other shores.